k a t i e   z a f f r a n n
  • musings
  • January25th

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    Inspiring me today:

    “All of the arts, poetry, music, ritual, the visible arts, the theater, must singly and together create the most comprehensive art of all, a humanized society, and its masterpiece, free man.”Bernard Berenson, American art critic

    “Theater is, of course, a reflection of life. Maybe we have to improve life before we can hope to improve theater.”William Inge, American playwright

    “You’re always making a difference, every day & in every moment. For all the people you touch every day, you make an indelible difference in their world. With every door you hold open, car you allow to merge, smile you flash, encouragement you offer, you are making a deposit into someone’s life. The best part of this form of giving is that your ability to give is LIMITLESS! How many blessings did you dispense today?”Darren Hardy, American “industrialist of human potential”

    …off doing my part to improve life, create a humanized society, promote the human spirit – in the audition room and out of it, onstage and off…

  • January9th

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    It’s only January 9th, so chances are you’re still going strong on those New Years resolutions, hitting the treadmill after the straggler holiday parties, passing the candy dish at work without even glancing down. I mean, I know I am. Last night they even had to kick me out of the gym (ok, ok, I just didn’t know they closed early on Sundays).

    Except that going to the gym wasn’t a New Years resolution but a habit I started on my last gig. And the drinking less, eating as many vegetables as I can cram into each meal (that tray of Christmas cookies was a special case) aren’t because I read them in a book but because… well… I feel better.

    Sure, I made my resolutions, as people do, only this year they seem less like goals and more like choices; less a list of things to coerce and bribe and batter myself into doing (or not doing) and more just a handful of descriptives about the way I’d like life to be. There are still goals among them, to be sure (Broadway! I am coming for you) but at the same time an ease, a moment to remember the sun is shining, you know, I live two blocks from Broadway and it will be there tomorrow and it will be there next year and there are so many interesting stories to tell and waiting, eager audiences.

    And I’ve been thinking about this very human desire to re-invent ourselves, to create the next new improved version, Katie 2012.0. We get a new hairstyle, trendier clothes, we change our name and move to a new town, we outrun and outfox and outdo our old selves and then we tell the stories of how fleeting is popularity, how transitory is success, how we can never escape our past until we turn and face it head-on.

    And I’ve been there, too, which is why I’m taking paragraphs to say: this is different. This is new, in that taste-them-again-for-the-first-time kind of way. This year it’s less a re-invention, revision, fixer-upper self-help session and more… okay, I’ll leave it to the poets:

    “A New Story of Your Life”
    by Michael Blumenthal

    Say you finally invented a new story
    of your life. It is not the story of your defeat
    or of your impotence and powerlessness
    before the large forces of wind and accident.

    It is not the sad story of your mother’s death
    or of your abandoned childhood. It is not,
    even, a story that will win you the deep
    initial sympathies of the benevolent goddesses
    or the care of the generous, but it is a story
    that requires of you a large thrust
    into the difficult life, a sense of plenitude
    entirely your own. Whatever the story is,
    it goes as it goes, and there are vicissitudes
    in it, gardens that need to be planted,
    skills sown, the long hard labors
    of prose and enduring love. Deep down
    in some long-encumbered self,
    it is the story you have been writing
    all of your life, where no Calypso holds you
    against your own willfulness,
    where you can rise
    from the bleak island of your old story
    and tread your way home.

  • December16th

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    So I’m doing this world premiere production at Delaware Theatre Co (closing weekend already! how did that happen?) — a (mostly) a cappella, modern retelling of the biblical gospel stories through a reality-show lens. It’s a fast, fun, funny commentary on our technology-driven lives: my Mary has a belt of cellphones around her waist and a growing Twitter following; the Magi follow a “star” with the aid of text messages and GPS. There’s a live camera feed projected onto two huge screens onstage (as seen in the photo above), and our a cappella/beat-boxed songs are juxtaposed with projections and pre-recorded snippets. It’s rather meta.

    As we explored these themes throughout the process, the cameras and the personas and screen vs. stage, the discussion (probably inevitably) came around to the business model of the theater and how it is(n’t) keeping up with the times. How we could be live streaming these performances around the world, but we’re often prevented from doing that by our own artists’ unions. How virtually every other business works on residual income, getting the product out to greater and greater numbers of people, through the most efficient means possible… and the theater is restricted to however many butts there are seats for in any given house on any given evening. And then the show closes, and if you missed it, too bad! It’s over, unless it gets re-mounted or somebody finds the money and inspiration to take it to the next level — and even then, even if all the same artists come back to do it again, it won’t be the same.

    But wait. Isn’t that kind of the whole point?

    Don’t we go to the theater precisely in order to get away from the screen, to get in the same room with a few dozen or few hundred other people, to share that energy and see it, hear it, feel it firsthand? To have the collective experience — not just watch someone else go through something but actually go through it together? Because we can feel it, viscerally, the human voice and human experience — and when I’m in my room and you’re in yours it’s a nice proxy, maybe, but we do still know the difference between a screen and the real thing. We can live-stream stage shows all we want, but it’s a little like looking at your friends’ vacation Mobile Uploads on facebook. They may be showing you what that Hawaiian beach looks like *right now*, but there’s no sand between your toes (or Mai Tai in your hand, for that matter).

    I’m reminded of the Buddhist monks and their sand mandalas, painstakingly crafted grain by grain into exquisite works of art… and then destroyed. Not saved for posterity or put into a museum for the benefit of the estate (and the public, of course), but swept away, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a reminder of the impermanence of all things. A reminder that the only real thing is THIS moment, and now this one… and once it’s gone, it’s gone.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for residual income and I’ve got nothing against screens (I’ve been told I look great on camera). I’m going to shoot my music video early next year, and have the time of my life doing it. I’ll post it on YouTube and promote it on facebook and maybe someone will watch it on their smartphone someday while they’re hurtling through space on a high-speed train. I’m really interested to see how that song, that story, will live on the screen – how it will be differently informed by that medium. And I’ve gotten incredibly kind comments from fly woman genius listeners and those who have found my work online and been moved by my recordings.

    But at heart I still feel that the real magic — at least, theater magic — happens in the room together, where the energy is palpable and the show changes every night because the audience does, because the actors are human and fallible and informed by the unique circumstances of that day and that moment. And if you want to know what happens at the show, you’ll just have to put your butt in a seat to find out.

  • September22nd

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    On our day off Monday, wonderful Wyn Wilson (playing the Big/Little Edie role) and I took a jaunt downtown to the Dali museum to fill the well and see the town. As usual for me in an art museum, I started scribbling away in my journal halfway through the exhibit…

    In retrospect (a retrospective) — how easy to put everything in order… create a through-line… as though life is actually linear, everything in perfect succession, lessons learned, packaged and tied up with strings before proceeding to The Next. But we in the middle, how can we see the forest for the trees? The artist may wrestle with those same demons, however many years later, just choosing this time a different color paint…

    This morning the three of us Edies did a TV interview on Studio 10, and over the past week I’ve been all a-twitter with Opening! and family visiting! and flowers in the dressing room! Hearing that applause, catching the buzz, visiting and talking with patrons, oh my. Thank goodness for brush-up last night, to remind me there’s a show to be done.

    Promoting the thing, talking about the thing, reading (gasp) reviews! of the thing – it’s all nothing, of course, without the thing itself. The telling of the story, the singing of the songs, the being the vessel for whatever comes through it.

    Creating the actual thing.

    Which is what, I suspect (and hope), most of us do it all for anyway. And while the perks are fun and the ego loves to be fed, just today I wonder what it would be like to create for creation’s sake. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If you do something brilliant and don’t post it on facebook, did it really happen?

    Did Dali enjoy a more idyllic artistic existence, or just a more prolonged moment before the critics (and art teachers and Establishment folk) got to comment on his creative fruits? I suspect it’s the latter.

    On the other hand, if people weren’t saying fabulous things about my performance, I would still be enjoying the heck out of giving it. I know this much to be true because I was enjoying the heck out of rehearsals and performances before people were saying fabulous things. But if art is holding (as ’twere) the mirror up to nature, there has to be somebody to look in it. None of us creates in a void, and the point of the theater is our shared experience. Anyway. Here I go with my cyclical arguments again.

    Here’s Wyn tying a wish to the Dali Wish Tree. I can’t remember just what I wished for, but it was something about a life of wild abandon and self-expression.

    Here’s to another weekend of storytelling and creating the thing…

  • May18th

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    That’s what I just said to my friend as I signed off of G-chat for the morning, and I won’t spend too much time here since I’ve got to, you know, actually learn the lines. But since those words haven’t passed my lips for awhile, I’m marking the milestone.

    Getting ready to head up to Chenango River Theatre to start Almost, Maine rehearsals next week… you’ll be hearing more from me when I get there.

    Feels good to be a working actor.

  • May13th

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    I was reminded last week, amidst the bustle of rehearsals for our I Am Jim Thompson reading as well as returning from a weekend away; day job work here in town; and all the other stuff of life, just how important it is to take time off. Not out connecting with friends… off. Not surfing facebook… OFF. How draining it can be to be an actor… to cram into a week the exploration of a character who doesn’t have the happiest of journeys… not to mention a journey for which I’ve got baggage packed and ready to go.

    I’m not sure the body knows the difference between the emotions we experience onstage and those we do in real life (provided, I suppose, that those onstage are more than surface-level). Emotion is chemical, after all, which is one way to explain why we fall into life patterns and relationship patterns: we become addicted, or at least accustomed, to the chemicals we are used to receiving. But who is to explain to those chemicals that on Sunday night I would be having grievous fights with my significant other, but don’t worry, they’re not real?

    It wasn’t until I couldn’t string a sentence together last Saturday morning that I realized I’d pushed it too far, and it wasn’t until that night after a three-hour nap and some QT staring at the wall that I started to come around. Why do we let ourselves get that far out of whack?

    In The Artist’s Way, a wonderful book/process by Julia Cameron that I followed some years ago, she writes of the creative life and ways to work through the obstacles that keep us from being the creative geniuses we’re meant to be. When we create, however we do it, we draw on our inner reserves of energy and flow and genius or whatever you want to call it. We take what we need from what we’ve got stored up, like a well or a bank account, and spend it on what we’re making. But equally important to this process is making deposits back into the account; soaking up some soulful goodness; refilling the proverbial well.

    So I’ve spent this week in recovery mode: getting a massage, working the puzzle, going yarn shopping. I had a few glasses of wine and listened to The Tobolowsky Files. I even let myself get bored.

    Because I figured that if I had gotten so far out of balance the other way, I probably needed more refill time than I originally would have gauged. And I was right — it wasn’t til this morning that I was rarin’ to go, exercising, working on my script, writing this post. So for awhile I may need to let the pendulum swing, until I start to learn what the first warning signs are… all the ones that come before I’m dragging my comatose carcass around.

    How about you: What are your warning signs? How do you refill the well?

  • May4th

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    Help. I seem to be having that age-old actor’s dilemma: how do you play a character you don’t like? Or perhaps more accurately: one you don’t want to be?

    I’m in rehearsals this week for a workshop/reading of I Am Jim Thompson, a new musical based on the true story of an American spy-turned-businessman credited for revitalizing the Thai silk industry. I’ve done this show before, playing a different role — that of the good friend, the trusted confidante who wants to marry the man but knows she never will… but also knows she knows him better than anyone else on earth. The fabulously witty partner in crime, holding court at a party, who may live a life of unrequited love, but that’s probably some of her doing, too. She might have her walls up, but she’s his equal, and more than, and she knows it. And anyway, the audience loves her, and knows it too.

    But now I’m playing the wife, the dutiful wife, the wife he cheats on, the wife he leaves, the wife who never really understands what else he might want in the world. The wife he eventually looks back on, and misses, but never goes back to. The wife the audience might sympathize with; the wife who does get those few fleeting moments of blissful love; but who can’t let go, and eventually, she’s the wife we mostly just feel sorry for.

    She’s the woman I never want to be. The woman who can’t see what’s in front of her face, who only wants to believe in fairytale endings, who won’t loosen her death-grip on her relationship to let some fresh air in before it asphyxiates. Back when I was playing Ms. Fabulous, I completely understood why she was the woman he left.

    But now I have to get into her skin, and I don’t want to, because the real issue is that she’s the woman I once was. I know what it’s like to be cheated on, to want the Perfect Ending so badly I was willing to put up with anything and everything if it meant we would stay together. I know what it’s like to ignore my intuition for months, years, to turn a blind eye to all the signs I didn’t want to see. Because we did have those few fleeting moments of love, didn’t we? But I’ve worked so hard to purge myself of that needy, frightened, Self-less girl that I don’t want to believe there’s anything left in me that knows how to play this role. I see this character in movies and scoff, identifying only with the boyfriend, the husband who wants out. Can’t she see she’s suffocating him? No. She can’t. Not til it’s too late.

    But this is what we sign up for as actors, isn’t it? Not just to be the star of the show, the grand dame, the leading debonair gentleman; but to breathe pathos into the underdog, the misrepresented, the poor bastard stepchildren and overly needy wives, the Edmunds of the world. To put ourselves into shoes we wish didn’t fit us so well. To leave untouched just enough of all the things we don’t like about ourselves, because you never know when you might need them again.

  • May2nd

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    h/t: The Exceptional Man

  • April26th

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    There’s been a shift taking place lately – the balance is starting to tip, but I can’t explain exactly how. I’m more actively immersed in my career than ever before, but I’m thinking — or overthinking — about it less. I’m considering my own opinion more than other people’s, and acting on it sooner. Even on the days when it’s most intangible, when I could conceivably believe it’s all been in my head, I’m reminded by those around me that I’m changing so fast they can hardly keep up. And I know they’re right, I’m watching it happen myself, but I’m not the one pushing it.

    Maybe the balance is starting to tip towards balance.

    Suddenly I’m overwhelmed not by administration and struggle and… whatever else I was overwhelmed by before, but by the number of great, good, fun opportunities coming my way and the desire to do them all. Or just the ones I pick. The right ones… not that there even is a right one.

    I’m on the bus to rehearsal for one show, reading a play for audition-monologue background, working on sides for next week’s appointment, all before tomorrow’s session learning the music for the early May workshop.

    I’m going to open mics, handing out cards and selling albums and thinking I could use some more material for this kind of situation. Add it to the to-do list. The one that I get to make, and prioritize, and choose what suits me best.

    Which seems obvious, doesn’t it? Who else has been making and following the to-do list up til now? But it’s never felt quite like this before — this total inhabiting of my craft (I know, the word makes me shudder too), in what I am here to do (here, New York; here, Earth) — when everything else in my life either supports it or falls away. And the sense of ease, of effortless effort in getting things done, of not worrying about every single thing and not putting so much stock in any one of them… it’s almost like this is the way it’s supposed to be…

  • March18th

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    Ken Davenport articulates it better than I’ve been able to thus far. My previous posts have focused more on Ms. Taymor and her artistic risks, and Ken’s (fittingly) focuses on the risks of the producers, but setting aside the age-old money VS. art conundrum for the moment…

    But the real reason I’m over it is that many members of the press (not all, mind you) and the public are constantly calling for Producers to risk more on Broadway . . . to push the boundaries of what Broadway is about . . . to stop thinking about budgets and pursue excellence, instead of just excellent economics.

    Has anyone actually realized what just went down on 42nd St?

    The Producers of a $70+ million dollar musical that has been plagued with issues since its inception, but has been grossing 1 million plus per week just said, “We’re shutting the show down, because we think we can make it better.”

    Whether you like the show or not, and whether you agree with all the decisions they’ve made or not, you have to at least admire the Producers for not jumping ship, and continuing to try and better their show for the sake of their investors, and more importantly for the audience.

    That’s a risk that I don’t think many people would take.

    Hear, hear! The whole thing is not long and truly worth your time to get the “producer’s perspective”. Now I suppose if we all want the press to stop focusing on Spider-Man, we should too. [Sort of like how all the articles about how unfit a certain Alaskan dweller is to be President... are still free publicity for that certain someone.] Back to making my own art…